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Trauma Trauma Trauma

 So here is the thing, I try really hard to keep my opinions about my ex and his family to myself. Above everything else I wanted a peaceful divorce that would allow me to move on with my life and allow my kids to find some healing from their parents splitting.  I'm here to tell you it hasn't happened that way at all. The trauma of my previous marriage has been following me for nearly 2.5 years but I wanted out of that relationship long before I could actually get away.  Here's the thing about trauma, it is uncovered and healed in layers. It doesn't happen all at once and sometimes the things that caused you trauma you don't even realize they are traumatic until after the fact.  Example: I have had many miscarriages. My mother in law once said to me that I just needed to "get over it." It never sat well with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. It wasn't until I had been out of my marriage for quite a while and I was discussing with Scott about t...
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Divorce is....

Once again my mind got to whirling on my way to work today. It's always on my drive and never really at a convenient time when I can get my thoughts out on paper. Funny how that works, but I've got a quiet moment so my thoughts circled back around that that conversation I had with myself on my drive to work.  My thoughts led me to the phrase I uttered many times before in my first marriage. "Divorce isn't an option." I said it until I was blue in the face early on in our relationship and then again I "beat a dead horse" and restated what I thought over and over again.  I kept thinking about how selfish it would be to divorce someone, especially after kids are in the picture. I had worked so hard to curate this image of perfection in the eyes of those around me but our relationship was anything but perfect. I bragged about my ex endlessly and never spoke of any kind of problems to anyone. Occasionally I would allow myself to be vulnerable and speak about ...
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Praying for Him

On my way to work I was surfing the radio like I typically do when a song popped on that hit me like a bus. It got me thinking about my road to marriage a second time and what gratitude I have for Scott. At the risk of sounding like a pandering spouse I am incredibly thankful for him. What's more this song just struck a chord because I did pray for him. Before I even knew he was my person I prayed for him. To fill in the background of this statement I must first talk about my first marriage. It wasn't a happy one or a healthy one. Oh sure, I was good at putting on a front of the happily married person. I walked around half of the time with a pasted on smile and a Band-Aid over my heart. I wanted to think I was being successful and I wanted others to think that we were the picture of a happy home. I needlessly bragged on him because that was how I coped with my unhappiness.  The cracks in our marriage began to show quickly after our union. I prayed over and over again that I cou...
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Into The Blender

 I won't pretend to have all the answers. That isn't what this is about. More or less it is a place to get my thoughts down on paper, yet again. I think I have some advice, some wisdom and maybe even a few little amusing stories to tell along the way as a mother of four children, soon to be six.  Here's how this whole thing started. I got divorced. Well, technically I am not divorced yet. Thanks to COVID what was supposed to be done and over with 90 days after I filed for divorce, has now taken well over six months. I guess I can thank the damn virus for yet one more reason my life isn't totally the way I planned it would be in my 30's! Anyway, enough about COVID, we've all heard how miserable it is making everyone, this is about my life.  So back on track. This all started because of my divorce. I suddenly found myself single and ready to move on with my life. It didn't take long. I was sick of being unhappy. After years in a marriage that was unhealthy at ...
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