Trauma Trauma Trauma

 So here is the thing, I try really hard to keep my opinions about my ex and his family to myself. Above everything else I wanted a peaceful divorce that would allow me to move on with my life and allow my kids to find some healing from their parents splitting. 

I'm here to tell you it hasn't happened that way at all. The trauma of my previous marriage has been following me for nearly 2.5 years but I wanted out of that relationship long before I could actually get away. 

Here's the thing about trauma, it is uncovered and healed in layers. It doesn't happen all at once and sometimes the things that caused you trauma you don't even realize they are traumatic until after the fact. 

Example: I have had many miscarriages. My mother in law once said to me that I just needed to "get over it." It never sat well with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. It wasn't until I had been out of my marriage for quite a while and I was discussing with Scott about this that it struck me like a wave against the sand, I wasn't allowed to grieve properly in her eyes. I wasn't allowed to have feelings. At the time of this loss I just wrote it off as "no big deal" but it WAS a big deal. It was someone who was supposed to love me as much as they love their own children telling me that my concerns and feelings about the loss of my CHILD weren't worthy of being mourned. 

Example 2: Financial withholding. My ex-husband was notorious for doing this, making me worry endlessly about how I could ensure my growing children had food in their bellies. Many times he would hide money away from me and maintain soul control of the bank accounts so that I was unable to buy food for the children without at the mildest an argument. Then of course the questions of "Why do we need that?" often creeped up. Something as small as bullion cubes at the discount grocery store would be cause for him to withhold money from me or question me. Again, I never realized how traumatizing it was to have to relinquish control and be at his mercy until some time after he was no longer sharing a home with me. For the first time since I was single in my 20s I was able to make choices for myself and have full control over where my money went and how it was spent. It was freeing and healing but it also came with some problems. I made some childish choices and failed to prepare for any upcoming needs. That said, I'm back on track with finances and being responsible. :-) My husband helps to hold me accountable but he makes financial decisions WITH me and not for me.