Divorce is....

Once again my mind got to whirling on my way to work today. It's always on my drive and never really at a convenient time when I can get my thoughts out on paper. Funny how that works, but I've got a quiet moment so my thoughts circled back around that that conversation I had with myself on my drive to work.

 My thoughts led me to the phrase I uttered many times before in my first marriage. "Divorce isn't an option." I said it until I was blue in the face early on in our relationship and then again I "beat a dead horse" and restated what I thought over and over again.

 I kept thinking about how selfish it would be to divorce someone, especially after kids are in the picture. I had worked so hard to curate this image of perfection in the eyes of those around me but our relationship was anything but perfect. I bragged about my ex endlessly and never spoke of any kind of problems to anyone. Occasionally I would allow myself to be vulnerable and speak about the problems we were having to my parents or my grandmother, but I did my best to shelter my relationship because I didn't want anyone to speak poorly of us. Ever. 

Eventually things hit a breaking point and I decided I was done. I wanted to be free of the toxic behaviors and I wanted to live my life without feeling as though I was being controlled at every single turn. I started to realize that divorce was a choice I had and a valid one. I quickly became less of a pompous ass about my ideals and more realistic for the sake of my own mental health and the mental health of my children. 

I knew counseling wasn't a choice he would agree too and for the most part he didn't. I begged him for years to see a therapist but I was constantly shut down by him. Even so I couldn't trust that he would tell the truth and allow himself to be vulnerable enough to talk about some of the very real issues I was facing and that we were facing as a couple. 

And so I left and I never looked back. Divorce was ugly at best but it was a choice that needed to be made. I needed to be free of both my ex and my ex-mother-in-law. The freedom I felt was unreal and I suddenly realized I was able to work on myself. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. 

So yeah, divorce isn't an option that I would want to choose, but it was necessary in my case. Divorce was and is freeing for me. I no longer and forced to answer to someone who doesn't accept any kind of equal partnership. Divorce is something that has allowed me to heal. Divorce is a blessing. Divorce was and is a gift to my mental health. Divorce is a gift to my children as well. 

My kids see daily Scott and I modeling a healthy relationship. We talk about things when we have an argument. Sometimes it takes us a little time to get there, and that's okay. Sometimes you need to be mad for a little while in order to realize what needs fixing or correcting. Sometimes he and I bicker and the kids see that too, but even they recognize I  am infinitely happier. My oldest once said to me "Mama, I am so glad you and Daddy Scott don't fight like you and Buddy did!" (Buddy is what they call their father.)

Divorce has freed my kids of a home full of conflict. Yes, Scott and I have the occasional argument, but it truly very mild in comparison. Divorce has been a huge blessing to these kids because that has lead me to a place where I can speak my needs. So divorce is a good thing sometimes. 

I wouldn't choose divorce again but I also don't feel it is the worst choice in the world either. Sometimes divorce IS an option that benefits everyone. Sometimes you do it for yourself and sometimes you do it for your kids. Sometimes things are so broken beyond repair that starting over is your only choice. Sometimes the abuse runs so deeply that the only way to survive is to get out. Divorce isn't bad, it's just another choice.

I faced a lot of backlash from former church members when I chose to get divorced. People looked at me with pity on their faces. I was treated as though "How could she possibly choose this for her family?" Church, I am here to tell you that SOMETIMES things need to happen you aren't going to agree with. Sometimes you will have to trust that the things that are occurring behind closed doors, away from the public are not what is being presented to you. I was one of those people. I was afraid. Divorce IS an option. For goodness sake, STOP TELLING PEOPLE IT ISN'T!  Sometimes the church simply can not repair that crack in their foundation.

Don't just look at me as an example either. What I did was what I felt laid on my hear to obey and do. It was what I knew was the best choice to protect my children. The world needs to know that divorce is okay in the church too. That it is not some evil thing and that we all sin, so perfection in marriage shouldn't be expected either. 

Which leads me to my last thought. Perfection in marriage needs to stop being something we expect of couples. Especially couples who have young children! My marriage wasn't perfect the first time and it isn't perfect this time either because we both have flaws. I have used my divorce as a learning experience to teach me "what went wrong" and to help me avoid those patterns in this marriage. We still aren't perfect because we are human. 

I no longer expect constant romance but I do expect my needs to be met. If I say something hurts my feelings, we talk about it. When he says I'm being too harsh (and sometimes I can be a bit harsh, especially with my kids!) I listen. I hear him when he says "you yelled too" and I take steps to realize when I am wrong. Scott is always in my corner watching out for me but he isn't afraid to call me on things that he doesn't like or that he feels are unhealthy. So remember church, there is no PERFECT marriage, just a perfectly imperfect marriage filled with love and respect.